Exile Dib
by Invader Skarrch
Summary: On Mandatory Gift Exchange Day, Zim gives Dib a gift that just keeps on giving. And drives him completely insane and nearly kills a Tallest, but that comes later. Rated T for light body horror and romance. Contains !Irken Dib and OCxTak. COMPLETE! NOW WITH A SCHMANCY COVER!
1. Chapter 1:Gifts Given

**EXILE DIB: CHAPTER 1**:**GIFTS GIVEN**

/

Alrighty people, this is the first story I've ever written for FF.N, so any constructive criticism is appreciated.

/

"Despite my moral outrage, the Skool is requiring all students to participate in the mandatory _gift exchange_." said as the students murmured quietly. "You will pick your _gift_ recipient from this hat." she spat. The students filed up one by one and drew a folded slip of paper from the hat.

Dib and Zim unfolded their slips, and yelled simultaneously.

"WHAT!" screamed Dib "HOW CAN I POSSIBLY GIVE A GIFT TO A HIDEOUS ALIEN MONSTER!"

"The sentiment is mutual, PIG BOY!" yelled Zim.

"You will give a _gift_, or I will be forced to _expel_ you ." shouted over the commotion. "The administration says it builds _school spirit, _and honors _teamwork."_

Dib and Zim stared each other down, each silently contemplating a way to destroy each other with their gifts. Luckily for them, the bell rang before had a chance to intervene. As they left school, Zim finally spoke. "I shall give the most AMAZING gift that has ever been GIVEN! JUST WAIT, DIB-BEAST!"

/

_Later that day..._

"GIR, get down here!" yelled Zim. "I need help with this Quantum Ai Stabilization Unit." Zim was holding what appeared to be a large tubular device, which had a forest of tubes, wires, and cutters poking out of one end.

GIR popped out of a tube in the wall, spun end over end through the air, and landed on his head. "Okey-dokey!" He grabbed one end of the QaiSU and it tipped over, landing on the control panel of the manufacturing bay. It whirred to life, starting to cut into the control panel.

"AaAAaaaGGHHghg!" screamed the computer as the lights flickered. Zim grabbed the QAiSU and pulled it out of the panel before it completely fried the computer.

"GIR, YOU IDIOT ROBOT! NOW I HAVE TO FIX THE COMPUTER!" Zim quickly hooked the QAiSU to a arm extending from the ceiling. "COMPUTER! Ready the laser-fusors, fire up the plasma cutters, and let's FABRICATE!"

/

_One construction montage later.._

"It is DONE!" yelled Zim triumphantly as he held the wrapped gift over his head. "Now to give Dib the gift he'll NEVER FORGET!"

"YYYYYAAAAAYYYY! DOOM!" screamed GIR.

/

Just a little preview I wrote at 12:00 PM. I DEMAND A MORE ADEQUATE TITLE FOR MY MASTERWORK. GOOD TITLES SHALL BE REWARDED RICHLY.

OH GOD I TRY TO FIND ONE COVER IMAGE AND NOW I NEED BRAIN BLEACH!


	2. Chapter 2:EPIC ROBOT FIGHT TIME!

**EXILE DIB:CHAPTER 2:EPIC ROBOT FIGHT TIME!**

/

Since my misadventure with cover art (I swear, some of you guys are TWISTED) I have my first contest! The first person who finds me either a new title or some cover art (Preferably with Dib included /obvious/) will win an AMAZING PRIZE! Even more PRIZES will be rewarded for drawing the art yourself, or giving me both of my requests.

/

Dib shut the door behind him and walked into the kitchen, unopened present in hand. He carefully set it on the floor and undid the wrappings. Inside was something that looked like Zim's PAK, only larger, and with 4 equipment bays instead of 3. He gently prodded it.

/

\power on

\begin perimeter scan

\1 life form detected

\identifying

\life form identified: Dib Membrane, age:12, species:human

\TARGETING

/

The device whirred to life, and then began to speak. "**LIFE FORM IDENTIFIED. ENGAGING ASSIMILATION PROTOCOL.**" It suddenly extended 4 spindly legs from it's equipment bays, stood up, and jumped at Dib.

"AHH!" yelled Dib as he leapt out of the way.

"Son, there better not be any LIVING DEAD up there!" yelled Prof. Membrane.

"**RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, YOU WILL BE ASSIMALATED.**" the PAK-walker said in a monotonous voice as it turned and leaped again.

"Help me!" yelled Dib, barely dodging it's next attack. Professor Membrane burst through the basement door, lightning trailing from his fingertips.

"I WAS MAKING TOAST!" said Prof. Membrane angrily. Then he saw the robot attacking his son. "EAT LIGHTNING, ROBOT!" he shouted as he fired lightning from the fingertips of his right glove. Said lightning hit the PAK-walker and it slowly tuned to face Membrane.

"**HOSTILE LIFE FORM** **DETECTED. BEGINNING ELIMINATION PROTOCOL.**" Each of it's conical feet then deployed a trifecta of metal ridges. It advanced on Membrane, and slammed down a ridged foot, shattering the countertop. Membrane returned fire with his glove, and the PAK-walker stumbled, then leaped at Membrane. "**HUMAN FILTH, YOU WILL BE E-LIM-I-NA-TED.**" Membrane wrested with it, grunting and avoiding it's stabs. "**UNEXPECTED RESISTANCE ENCOUNTERED. ACTIVATING CEREBRAL OVERLOAD FEATURE.**" A short, snaky wire extended from it's chassis, and gently prodded Professor Membrane.

"AaaGGGhHh!" screamed Membrane as his frontal lobe was completely deactivated. He fell in a heap and was still. Dib stood there in shock, staring at his father.

"**RELAX HUMAN, ALL LIFE SIGNS ARE NORMAL.**" The PAK-walker leaped again, and hit Dib in the back. He felt a stab of pain, and his limbs went limp. "**RETUNING TO BASE.**" said the walker as it leaped out the window and began to run down the street, carrying an unwilling Dib.

"Where are you taking me?" he asked.

"You already knew, DIB!" yelled Zim from his front door.

"Why are you doing this, Zim?"

"You know exactly why, DIB!"he answered. "ROBOT! Bring Dib to the lab so I may present him with the second part of his gift." The robot carried Dib down to the lab, and stood above a table. "Put him on that table, robot." The robot did a backflip and both it and Dib landed on the table face up. "COMPUTER! Begin the genetic transmogrification protocol."

Straps shot out of the edges of the table, restraining Dib. An arm came from the ceiling, bearing six syringes in a hexagonal arrangement. "I'd stay Dib, but I have to go repair Computer's speech synthesizer." He walked out of the room, and made his way to the communications room. "Computer, hail the Tallest!"

The static was replaced with an image of Tallest Red. "WHAT do you want, Zim?"

"I want to check on your arrival for the bi-centennial Invader performance review. Also, I've finally figured out how to deal with Dib. The screams should be starting just about now." Indeed, Dib's screams, accompanied by a variety of mechanical noises, rang out from the surgery.

"We'll be there, Zim. I mean, why wouldn't we go to the base of our most successful Invader."

"**Sir**, **the** _surgery_ **is** _done_." said the computer in a shaky voice.

"EXCELLENT! Goodbye my Tallest!" Zim took the lift to the surgery. GIR popped out of a nearby tube and stood at attention.

"What it do, mastah?" he asked.

"THIS WILL BE THE GREATEST GIFT ANY HUMAN HAS EVER RECIVED!" said Zim, and then he began chuckling. "heheheeHEHHEHHEMUAHAAAHHHHAA AHHH!"

/

WOOO! SECOND CHAPTAH! Remember that without reviews, my fragile psyche could be shattered irrevocably.


	3. Chapter 3:Stange Awakening

**EXILE DIB:CHAPTER 3:STRANGE AWAKENING**

/

_**I honestly have no idea what to write here.**_

/

It was dark. How odd. The last thing Dib could remember was being subjected to that _horrible _procedure. Now he felt _tight, _like he was wrapped in a straightjacket.

_Wrong again, Dib._

Who was that? Where was he? Why was he thinking in the third person?

_Because you're insane, Dib._

Dib most certainly was NOT insane.

_Then why haven't you OPENED YOUR EYES_ _yet?_

He gingerly opened his eyes. There was a bluish tint to his vision, but that wasn't what freaked him out.

"AHHHHHH! HOW DID I END UP IN ZIM'S BASE!"

_You tell me, I'm not psychic. Well, actually I can hear _your_ thoughts, but there's nothing of interest in there._

Dib sat up, examining the room around him. The walls held nothing but a standard Irken workstation and a SIR transport tube. "How did I know that?"

_I told you._

"I have to get out of here!" he said, at no one in particular.

"**Und**_er_**sto**_od _**s**_i_**r!**" said Computer, and the doors opened, revealing the endless tubes of the Irken med-bay. Dib walked out, mentally noting that he moved much faster than before. He began to walk aimlessly down the hallway, not eager about asking the _voice _for directions.

/

_**Meanwhile, in the street...**_

/

As always, it was smoggy outside in the Red City. But today, something was different. There was a low thrumming, which intensified to a roar. An Irken Spittle Runner appeared from the clouds of smog, It's ovoid body gently settling to the pavement, and it extended a sloped boarding ramp.

"Is this really Zim's BASE?" asked Tallest Red

"**Yes, **_sirs!_" said Computer. "**Wou**_ld yo_**u li**_ke me _**to sho**_w yo_**u aro**_und?_" he asked.

"No, we came for FUN! OF COURSE! Come on, Pur, we have to do our duty as Tallest."

"I don't wanna!" said Tallest Purple from inside the ship.

"If you don't come down right now, I will activate the remote self-destruct!"

"EEEP! OKAY!" said Purple, and he practically flew down the boarding ramp. Of course, he literally flew, too, because he was hovering. But now's not a good time for semantics.

"MY TALLEST! YOU'RE HERE!" shouted Zim from the front step.

"YAAAAYYYY!" yelled GIR

/

_**One introduction later...**_

/

It was a tight fit with three Irken and GIR in an elevator, but after Zim was verbally beaten, Gir was literally kicked off. After that it was bearable.

"Welcome to the Main Control Room, my Tallest. Computer lives in here."

"**Wel**_come _**to **_my _**hum**_ble _**ab**_ode._" said Computer. Zim went over and whacked the speech synthesizer. "Thank you, sir. It took so much time to process speaking that way."

"You're welcome." said Zim.

"Sir, I have a status report. At 114º38'67'' this morning, an Irken accessed my systems. Irken did not have PAK properly encoded."

"WHAT! WHO DARES ENTER MY BASE! COMPUTER, DISPLAY IMAGE!" yelled Zim

"Understood." An image came onscreen of an Irken with blue eyes, black clothing, and strange _jagged _antennae. He was currently walking down the hall aimlessly.

"Bring him to ZIM!" yelled Zim. The Tallest, meanwhile, had been looking about the room. Red had found the QAiSU.

"Where did you get a Quantum Ai Stabilization Unit, Zim?" asked Red.

"I ordered it from Callnowia. Why do you ask?"

"Because QAiSUs are illegal under Irken law."

"Why?" asked Zim.

"Because you could potentially use one to make a Control Brain."

"That's not what _I _used it for."

"What _did _you use it for?"

"It's coming here right now."

/

_**A bit earlier, in the bowels of Zim's base...**_

/

"Sir, you are ordered to come directly to the Main Control Room." said Computer. A wall panel opened and an elevator appeared.

"Why should I?" asked Dib.

_Because Zim wants you to._

"That's not a good reason."said Dib

_SILENCE! _The arms on the robot extended and threw Dib into the elevator, which immediately began to ascend. Three minutes later, Dib arrived in the control room.

"Huh?" said Purple drowsily, as he'd been napping while Zim and Red talked.

"It's here! MY GREATEST CREATION!"yelled Zim. The elevator doors were still sealed, and nobody could see what was inside. They slowly swung open, revealing what was inside.

"There's nothing in there but the Irken from earlier." said Red, rather unsurprised.

"What about me?" yelled Dib. Computer extended an arm and scanned the elevator.

"**Results: one Irken, PAK uncoded.**" said the scanner.

"COMPUTER! ACTIVATE MIRRORS!"

"Okaayyy." Mirrors extended from the ceiling, giving Dib a complete view of the elevator.

"Zim, you made me invisible!" said Dib.

"No, even better!" said Zim

_He made you Irken._

/

_**DUN DUN DUN! What will become of Dib now? Has Zim really turned him into an Irken? And how badly will the Tallest beat Zim for buying a QAiSU? Find out in the next, exciting chapter of Exile Dib!**_

_**Yes, I called it the Red City, mostly on account of it's color scheme.**_


	4. Chapter 4:Q-Why-SU

**EXILE DIB:CHAPTER 4:Q-WHY-SU**

/

_**Do you like my title? It's Punlicious! No new titles are needed, but the cover art contest is still on. **_

/

"So THAT'S what he used it for." said Purple.

"Invader Zim, you are under arrest for unauthorized use of a QAiSU." said Red, drawing a laser and training it on Zim.

"NEVER! DIB-BOT, STOP THE TALLEST!" said Zim.

"_I'm sorry, master, but they are your superiors and I must obey them. Now submit to the Irken Armada._" said Dib's PAK through his mouth. "GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" screamed Dib. "_I have a name you know. I am the __**A.V.A.T.A.R**__, or __**A**__utomatic __**V**__irtual __**A**__ssistant for __**T**__raining and __**A**__dvanced __**R**__obot. I made it up myself!_"The doors to the control room sealed tightly.

"I cannot let you escape, Zim." said Computer.

"You're all coming with us." said Red.

/

_**Meanwhile at the Membrane house...**_

/

"Gaz, have you seen Dib? He's been missing for WEEKS." asked Membrane.

"No." grunted Gaz. She was playing _Piggy Vampires 4 _on her Game Slave 2.

"Until we find him, you are banned from video games." said Membrane.

"_You wouldn't DARE!_"

"Oh yes I would, now hand it over." Gaz handed her father the Game Slave and her eyes burned with rage. "Now, TO THE LABORATORY!" Membrane and Gaz hurried down to the basement. "I planted a tracker in Dib's head so he couldn't leave without my knowledge. He's currently at... Zim's house." the two headed over to Zim's house and rang the doorbell.

/

_**200 meters below...**_

/

"Sir, someone is at the door." said Computer.

"Can't you see I'm BUSY! LET THEM IN!" said Zim.

"OKAY!" yelled Computer. He called a lift to the surface and brought the two down.

**Ding!**

"They're here." said Computer, rather cheerfully. Out of the lift stepped Gaz and Prof. Membrane. The Professor was in a mild state of shock at the sight of Zim's base.

"The tracker says he should be right here." said Membrane.

"I'm right here." said Dib. Membrane looked about bewilderedly for the source of Dib's voice. "_What the meatbag means is that __**we're **__right here_" said AVATAR.

"Dib, is that you! What is this?" asked a still-confused Membrane.

"This is the scene of a crime, and you are ALL under arrest." said Red.

"Even me?" asked Purple.

"No, not you."

/

_**Later..**_

/

"So Zim really is an alien and you're not insane?" asked the Professor. He, Gaz, Dib/AVATAR, and GIR were all in a prison cell aboard the Spittle Runner.

"_No, he __**is **__insane, just not about Zim._" said AVATAR.

"And Zim turned you into an Irken just to shut you up?"

"_Yep"_

"And now Zim's under arrest for using illegal technology to make an AI.

"_Pretty much._" said AVATAR. "Would you let me get a word in?" asked Dib. "_Nope._" said AVATAR.

/

_**Yay for somewhat non-unhappy endings! Next chapter will be longer, I promise! Also, Yay reviews! You made my day TallestCora!**_

_**Invader Skarrch OUT! *BOOM***_


	5. Chapter 5:SSSSPPPPAAAAACCCCEEEEE

_**EXILE DIB:CHAPTER 5:SSSSPPPPPAAAACCCCCEEEE!**_

/

_**This next chapter is why this story has a T rating, SO BE WARNED! Also, I like your theory TallestCora, but black and blue are just Dib's signature colors. And he's just observant, really.**_

/

"**ZIM, YOU ARE FOUND GUILTY OF ILLEGAL CONSTRUCTION OF AN AI. SENTENCE: PAK WILL BE REMOVED AND INCINERATED, AI WILL BE DESTROYED. SO SAYS THE TRIFECTA.**" the three Control Brains boomed from the main screen.

"YOU CANNOT KILL ZIM!" yelled Zim.

"_I'm too young to die!_" pleaded AVATAR.

"**SILENCE, TINY ONES. WE WERE NOT FINISHED. FOR INACTION IN THE LINE OF DUTY, TALLEST PURPLE IS SENTENCED TO ESCORT THE PRISONERS TO VOLCANIA. SO SAYS THE TRIFECTA."**

"_Help me, Membrane, you're my only hope!_" said AVATAR. Membrane looked disinterested.

"Why should I help you after you kidnapped my son?" he inquired.

"_Because if I am destroyed, Dib will die a horrible death._"said AVATAR. "WHAT!" yelled Dib. _As much as I hate to admit it, I am your PAK at heart, and without me you are a vegetable._

"Gaz, you have to save Dib or I'll throw your Game Slave to the robo-moose." said Membrane.

"Prepare to jump to warp." said a technician. The ship rumbled as it entered hyper-space. (_**A/N: I just infringed on two franchises in as many sentences.**_) The humans (and Dib/AVATAR) looked out in wonder.

"_I've never been in space before! It's beautiful, really._" said AVATAR. (_**A/N: From now on AVATAR speaks in **__italics__**, because I don't feel like writing 200 copies of that sentence.**_) "Indeed." Dib had only been in space once, and he was lodged in a giant stone butt that time. Just then, Purple walked in.

"Well, Red's gone, so I guess it's just me escorting you." he said, annoyed.

/

_**Three hours later...**_

/

**BOOM**

A huge explosion rattled the ship. "Sir, two unidentified objects outside." said the tech.

"What are they?" asked Purple. Suddenly, a communication came up on the main screen. It was Skoodge, wearing a spacesuit, and Minimoose in DEATH MODE, one of his barrels smoking.

"We're here for Zim and GIR!" said Skoodge. **Squeak! **agreed Minimoose.

"Oh, that's right, I sent an SOS to Minimoose." said Zim.

"Why should we give up Zim?" queried Purple.

"Minimoose, ATTACK!" yelled Skoodge. **SQUEAK! **affirmed Minimoose. He then began to rain heckfire on the Spittle Runner. The bridge was tilting and jerking as the ship was pummeled.

"AHHH! SAVE THE DONUTS!" yelled Purple.

"We're taking heavy damage, sir, and we can't get a bead on him!" said the engineering officer.

"TO THE ESCAPE PODS!" The Irken ran for their lives, and escape pods were quickly launched. Purple, Dib, and the Membranes ran for the door, only to find Zim standing in front of it.

"You're not going anywhere, _my Tallest_." spat Zim. He had his PAK-legs fully extended, and his antennae were flat to his head. "You _betrayed_ me!" he said, and Purple cowered in fear. Then, Purple muttered something, and glided forward.

"Step aside, Zim." he said, as if this happened every day.

"GRAAHH!" yelled Zim, and he whacked Purple across the torso with his PAK-leg. Purple's hover-belt shattered, and Purple flew back and landed in a heap on the floor. Membrane and Dib hurried over to him.

"_My Tallest!_" said Dib, as he began checking for a pulse. "_He's alive, despite Zim's best efforts._" Membrane just stared at the unconscious form.

"C'mon GIR, we need to get to the PODS!" said Zim, and he walked away chuckling.

/

_**Zim's off his proverbial rocker, looking for his lost marbles. Sure hope he doesn't stay this way, it'd severely impede the story HINT.**_

_**Skarrch OUT *BOOM***_


	6. Chapter 6:Volcania Mania

**EXILE DIB:CHAPTER 6:VOLCANIA MANIA**

/

The ship rumbled again, and began to veer to the side.

"_That was the inertial compensators._" said AVATAR. "In English?" asked Dib. "_The ship is going to crash in about five minutes._"

"Isn't there anything we can do?" asked Membrane. Dib shook his head, antennae drooping.

"_Not without a functional AI core._" said AVATAR. "Aren't you an AI?" asked Dib. "_I wouldn't know where to start. I'm not coded for piloting._" The group looked more dejected (except for Purple, but he was unconscious). "You have to try!" exclaimed Dib. A cable snaked out from his PAK, interfacing with the main controls. "_SO MUCH POWER! I AM A GOD!_" "Get over it, there are lives at stake, yours included." The ship rumbled again, and an orange glow appeared over the windscreen. Dib's antennae went straight up, and several panels began flashing red. "_Oops, that'll be the entry plasma._"

"That's bad, right?" asked Gaz, who up to this point had been silently brooding.

"_Yep!_" replied AVATAR cheerily. The ship pulled up, and the glow began to abate. Dib's antennae lowered for the moment. "_Now we just have to-_"

**CRUNCH!**

"_-land._" The cable retracted and Dib shook himself. "That was really weird. So what now?" "_Now, we find out just where we are._" The ship whirred, and an automated voice spoke out.

"**LANDING COMPLETE, DEPLOYING BOARDING RAMP.**" A door in the bridge wall opened, revealing a vast desert wasteland.

/

_**Meanwhile, on the Massive...**_

/

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'NOT FOUND'!" yelled Tallest Red at a random technician. The Massive was currently stopping for maintenance at Vorrt. Red looked out of sorts, and his usually snack-filled hands were empty.

"Sir, Tallest Purple is currently outside of scanner range, or more likely, he's dead." said the technician. Red refused to believe Purple was dead. They'd been friends since their smeeting. "Also, the Resisty are hailing. They apparently want more breaks for the Screw-heads." said the technician, relived he had not been tossed out the airlock.

"Eh, give em another 2 degrees." said Red, distractedly. Where was Purple? "Tell me his last location, then."

"Aboard the _Spork's Revenge_, my Tallest. The ship crashed a few minutes ago."

"Give me the black box recordings, then." said Tallest Red. The events of the last two minutes began to play out on the screen. Red saw Skoodge's message, and Zim attacking Purple. "_Find me Zim. I'm going to kill_ _him._" hissed Red.

/

_**Back on Volcania...**_

/

"Where's your brother?" asked Membrane. They were dragging Purple out of the ship.

"I don't care." said Gaz.

/

"_Dib, you know you can never go back. Why not just accept your new life?_" asked AVATAR. Dib was sitting on a sun-bleached rock, head in his three-fingered hands."Because I hated the Irken, and now Zim's done _this _to me." replied Dib. " _Just think, Dib, about how everybody treated you on Earth._" Dib recalled the days of bullying and criticism from his peers. He remembered his distant father and scary sister.

"_Dib, that landing took a lot out of me. I'm going to have to temporarily shutdown. Just ask yourself this, Dib: Are you a human, or are you an Irken? G__oodbye, Dib__._" And with that, AVATAR was gone. Dib sat there, not comprehending what AVATAR had said. "Am I human?" he asked himself.

/

_**And I leave you there, dearest readers. Just for the record, this story is not RAPR, although there is later some AVATAR x Tak. Yay for embarrassing alter egos! Remember, anyone can review, even guests. So go do some of that, please.**_

_**Skarrch OUT! *BOOM***_


	7. Chapter 7:Purple Has High LDL

**EXILE DIB:CHAPTER 7:PURPLE HAS HIGH LDL**

/

Dib walked in on the proverbial group just as they lugged Purple out of the ship. "Hey guys." he said dejectedly, his antennae drooping.

"What's wrong, son?" asked Membrane.

"It's just hard, being Irken. I have no idea what I'm doing, and the only one who could have helped us is on 'temporary shutdown'." Membrane had absolutely no idea how to console his son. He walked over and draped his arm over Dib.

"I see, said the blind man." said the not-blind Membrane. Dib just got up, and walked over to Purple's still-limp form. He thought of his previous experiences with Purple, and gave him slap in the face.

"AAAHHHH! WHAT HAPPENED!" yelled Purple, before dissolving into a fit of coughing. He was obviously in pain, and he grimaced as he coughed. Small flecks of greenish blood appeared on his hand when he covered his mouth.

"What's wrong with him?" asked Membrane.

"Scanner -hack- in my -cough- PAK.." Dib rummaged around in Purple's PAK, and found the med-scanner. It was a thin red cylinder, with a shining silver band down the middle. One end was tapered to a point. Dib pressed the green button and waved it over Purple. A holographic readout appeared, and Dib stuck the point in the sand to get a better look. The readout showed an image of Purple's internal shell, with injuries highlighted in green.

"According to this, you have three fractures in your shell, a punctured lung, and unhealthily high cholesterol." said Dib. "Luckily, the puncture is tiny, but the fractures will take a while to heal."

"My -hack- cholesterol is -cough- normal." said Purple indignantly.

"Do you have any morphine in that PAK?" asked Dib.

"-cough- No."

"Then you'll have to rough it." said Dib. "Just stay relatively still and you'll be better in a few months." Purple looked surprised.

/

_**Meanwhile, on Earth...**_

/

Zim sat on the curb in front of his house, antennae drooping. "GIR, go get me a snack, I need to think."

"Okey-dokey!" said GIR, and he rocketed away and crashed through the roof of the house.

_I know we don't see eye to eye  
but I really should try  
Now I've seen through all your lies  
and I can't believe my eyes_

_I know you laughed and laughed at me  
but now I finally can see  
__Who's laughing now?_

_I know you think that you're the best  
but you failed a crucial test  
I'm not like all the rest  
I'm not content with second-best _

_I know you laughed and laughed at me  
but now I finally can see  
Who's laughing now?_

_I know I took away your snacks  
and made you suffer those attacks  
but now it's time to pay your tax  
So you'd best be making tracks_

_I know you laughed and laughed at me  
but now I finally can see  
Who's laughing now?_

_I know you laughed and laughed at me  
__but _now I finally can see  
_Who's laughing now?_

_Who's laughing now?_

"I have no idea what just happened." said Zim.

/

_**YAY, my very first song. Don't worry, this is not going to happen often. I just had the tune in my head, and out popped some lyrics.**_

_**~Skarrch OUT~ ~BOOM~**_


	8. Chapter 8:The Desultory Duo

**EXILE DIB:CHAPTER 8:THE DESULTORY DUO**

/

"WHAT! I can't spend months here! We'll starve!" yelled Purple. The group had gathered around him because they had nothing better to do.

"Technically, they'll die of thirst." said Dib, motioning to Gaz and Professor Membrane. "Unfortunately, your hover-belt is in about 30 pieces now, so we can't really leave until you've healed."

"I think I can get up." said Purple. He slowly pushed himself up. "OOOOWWW! MY TORSO!" he yelled, falling back to the ground.

"Yeah, when you've got three fractures in your shell, getting up hurts." said Dib, amused. "Maybe I can lever you up." Dib then deployed his newly under-his-control PAK legs and began levering Purple up. He turned pale, and gave a small yelp when Dib bent his torso. "There, all ready to go." Purple stood unsteadily on his feet.

"Wow, I haven't used my legs since I became Tallest." said Purple, taking a few shaky steps forward. "It's so weird, walking." He took a few more steps, and sped up his pace. Luckily, Dib caught him before he hit the ground.

"It occurs to me that we're kind of shut out of the dynamic here." said Professor Membrane.

"Yeah." said Gaz.

And so the group began a slow trek towards the mountains, and civilization.

/

_**Meanwhile, on the Massive...**_

/

The prisoner was huddled in the back of the cell, quivering. "What's the matter, never been in a cell before?" asked Tallest Red. The form nodded, still shaking. "They just don't make Invaders like they used to." Red lamented. "Ah well, bring in the interrogation equipment."

"Please, no more. I'll talk!" said Invader Skoodge.

"Is that so? Well, do tell." asked Red, coming in close to hear his whispers.

"Zim, he said there'd been a mistake, that you'd taken him by accident." said Skoodge.

"Skoodge, you know the penalty for treason is life in exile. But maybe, if you tell me where Zim is, i'll shorten the sentence." confided Red

"He's on Earth, my Tallest." said Skoodge, looking more hopeful. "He went back to his base."

"Excellent." Red stood to full height, striding away. "200 years on Foodcourtia." he said with a casual flick of his wrist towards Skoodge's cell. Skoodge began to cry as the Irken Enforcers carried him away. "I love a good interrogation. SET COURSE FOR EARTH, MEN!"

/

_**Back with our heroes...**_

/

"It's been three days, Dib. THREE DAYS!" said Purple, plodding along behind the group. As a whole, they were tired, the humans especially.

"Relax, Purple, it's just a few more miles." said Dib exasperatedly.

/

_**On Earth...**_

/

As usual, it was smoggy over the Red City. The inhabitants were used to that, but they were not used to the low rumbling coming from the sky. Gradually, the rumble became a roar, and the clouds parted. The Massive slowly, ponderously made it's way out of the sky. The 3.5 kilometer long ship was a sight to behold. As it descended, it batted away skyscrapers like toothpicks, carving a path of destruction through the city.

There was a monstrous screeching as it contacted the ground, pulverizing anything in it's path, leaving a deep trench behind. It slowed to a stop directly in front of Zim's house. "_Zim, we're here!_" yelled Tallest Red.

/

_**YAY DESTRUCTION! In other news, that interrogation was surprisingly fun to write. **_

_**SKARRCH OUT! BOOM!**_


	9. Chapter 9:Something Completely Different

**EXILE DIB:CHAPTER 9:SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT**

/

Bridge Technician Varck was rather put off. He'd been waiting for a promotion, maybe to Fleet Captain. But now this whole stupid business with Zim and Purple led to him and the rest of the Massive's crew being taken to Earth, where the Control Brains couldn't evaluate his performance. Now he had to wait another three years before he could be considered for promotion. Not to mention the fact that he had to oversee a troubling landing on this stupid planet, since there were no landing facilities for the Massive.

"What's wrong, Varck?" asked his partner in crime, Blarr. He was rather dull, and the only reason Varck associated with him at all is because they'd both been assigned to Communications.

"I can't believe that the Tallest wants to meet with _Zim_. I mean, what reason could he possibly have to meet with an exile?" said Varck.

"He has his reasons. Besides, since Purple went MIA, Red's been acting _weird_." said Blarr

"That he has." agreed Varck.

/

_**In Zim's base...**_

/

"Hello my Tallest!" said Computer in a singsongy voice. Red was acting weirdly, wringing his hands and biting his lip.

"Hello, Computer. Could you get me a lift?" said Red halfheartedly.

"Of course, my Tallest." said Computer. He was very confused. Wasn't Red supposed to be the cynical, sarcastic Tallest? He'd never seen him act like this.

As he ascended, Red remembered what Zim had said.

/

_**Flash back to two minutes ago...**_

/

"HA, you still think Purple is alive! I thought he was the dumb one!" laughed Zim. Although surrounded by Enforcers, he still acted irreverent and cocky towards Red.

"What do you mean, Zim?" asked Red nervously.

"I saw the ship crash myself. No one could have survived that!" said Zim, as the

Enforcers crept closer. The light glinted off of their dull gray armor.

Red began to walk away, a hint of a smirk on his face. "Well, in that case..." he said, motioning to the guards. "Take him to the brig,he's useless to us now." Zim paled, and the Enforcers grabbed him, and flew off.

/

"What's the matter my Tallest? You can tell me anything." Computer asked. He hadn't gotten that Freudian analysis chip for nothing, after all.

"Nothing." said Red dejectedly.

"You know, when people say 'nothing', there's usually something wrong." said Computer in a friendly way.

"I don't want to talk about it.

"Okay."

/

Varck was used to being yelled at by Red, so when he asked nicely to begin the launch sequence, he took several seconds to process the command.

The Massive slowly began sliding forward, it's secondary engines firing. Then, it activated it's main engines, and a plume of plasma blasted down the street, frying several birds. The ship flew forwards, crushed a few houses, and was gone.

Varck noticed a small light flashing on his control. He'd never terminated the search for Purple, and now apparently there was a result.

"My Tallest, you're not gong to believe this."

/

_**Sorry for the delay. Video games, carpal tunnel caused by video games, and homework prevented me from writing. But rest assured, this story will continue as long as you keep reviewing.**_

_**SKARRCH OUT *BANG***_


	10. Chapter 10:Violet Reunited

**EXILE DIB:CHAPTER 10:VIOLET REUNITED**

/

Dib was astonished. He'd never seen so many Irken in one place. The city on Volcania was a shantytown by Irken standards, but was home to 3.6 million Irken, mostly Enforcers and prisoners. The buildings speared the sky, 50-story spindles piercing the sparse clouds.

"I know, it's not much." said Tallest Purple apologetically.

"Are you kidding? This is amazing!" said Dib. As he spoke, a small voice wormed into his mind. _I agree, Dib_ said AVATAR. _If you're wondering, I recharged through the wireless Irken power net_.

"You should see Irk. Actually, that is where we're going." said Purple.

"Why?"

"Because, that's where the Tallest quarters are. Plus, if I'm to help you, you'll need to get encoded."

"_Thank you for the consideration, but why would you help us?_" asked AVATAR.

"Because, you helped me, and now I'm returning the favor."

Membrane and Gaz were confused as to the conversation between Dib and Purple, as they were both speaking Irken. They'd come up with their own plan for what to do. "Well son, your sister and I are going to leave for Earth." said Membrane.

"You should stay with us, Dad." said Dib, one antenna raised.

"Because we're humans. We can't go off to an alien planet whenever we want to, we have responsibilities."

/

_**Meanwhile, in the brig...**_

/

"You WILL let Zim out!" yelled Zim at the guard standing outside his cell. He'd been through a lot these last weeks, and it showed. His skin was pale and his antennae twitched nervously.

"Not happening, defect." said the guard, bored. He'd been assigned to guard the Empire's most dangerous prisoner, and so far it'd been uneventful. The ship began to shake, and then there was an earth-shattering roar as 365,000 metric tonnes of alloy and plastics entered hyperspace. There'd been no warning, but Irken weren't big on OSHA compliance.

/

"Well, this is goodbye, I guess." said Dib. Membrane and Gaz were standing in front of the Snacky Cab they'd hailed, waving goodbye. "_Although our time together was short, I'll always miss you._" said AVATAR sarcastically. They quickly climbed into the cab, and it flew away.

"What now?" asked Purple. Dib was surprised. Purple'd always been in control, even when he was severely injured.

"I guess we head to Irk." said Dib.

"Not so fast, Pur." said a voice from behind them. They swiveled around.

"Red!" said Purple. "You came!"

"Of course! I'd never leave my best friend on a rock like this one." said Red. "And as for _you, _we were never introduced. Who are you?"

"I'm Dib. _And I'm AVATAR. The one you wanted to _kill, _remember?_" they both said.

/

_**Yeah, it's a short chapter, but I wanted to get it posted. The delays may be larger now, as I have "learning" to do. Also, GIVE ME REVIEWS! AVATARxTak comes next chapter!**_

_**SKARRCH OUT! *belated boom***_


	11. Chapter 11:The One You've Been Dreading

**EXILE DIB:CHAPTER 11:THE ONE WE'VE BEEN DREADING**

/

The Massive, humming gently in the icy blackness of space, was abuzz with activity. The return of Tallest Purple was cause for celebration, and everyone was getting in on the party, even the table-headed service drones. Whistling to himself, Dib walked into the mess hall. The hall served food from four corners of the galaxy, and since the galaxy was triangular, that's a lot of corners. But that's not what Dib noticed.

"Whoa!" yelled Dib, looking at the massive bash before him. Blarr and Varck, as yet un-promoted, were dancing their PAKs off. Purple was at the center, eating a slice of cake. _I concur with that assessment. Hey, who's that? _asked AVATAR. He pointed Dib at a female Irken in the corner, who did not appear to be very interested in celebration. "TAK!? You can't be interested in Tak!" said Dib, yelling somehow quietly. _No, I've got a good feeling! Go over to her. _Stiffening, Dib was carried along by AVATAR's legs towards Tak.

"What do you want?" asked Tak, sounding as if she'd forgotten to take her medication.

"_Just to talk to you, gorgeous._" said AVATAR. Dib, mortified, was blushing dark green. "_Want some punch?_"

"Do I know you?" asked Tak. She was rather nonplussed by AVATAR's come-on.

"_I'm new here. Name's Dib. How about you; do you come here often?_" asked AVATAR.

"I live here." said Tak, unimpressed by the line. "Hey, wait. Didn't you ruin my plans and get me shot into deep space?"

"_Er, that was a different Dib._" Dib decided to take matters into his own hands. "NO, I am Dib Membrane, in the flesh! _Quiet, you!_"

"Why did your voice change?" By this point, Tak was not only horribly confused, but also wishing she'd never come here. Personally presenting your resume to the Tallest wasn't worth _this_.

"Everybody, I've got two announcements." said Tallest Purple, clinking his plate with a fork. "Firstly, this cake is AMAZING! Thank you Bonn!" Bakelord Bonn bowed, and ran off to make more cakes. "Second, we've got a new crew-member! Please welcome Snack Advisor Dib!" Dib'd chosen his profession from millions of possible combinations, and this one was particularly fun. Basically, he got to buy and distribute snacks to the crew of the Massive. At six monies an hour, it was a pretty good gig.

"It's complicated." answered Dib, avoiding the question. "_No, the meatbag just can't date, so I'm helping him._"

"Whatever." Tak walked away, intending to get away from Dib as quickly as possible. No, she wouldn't be coming back,

/

_**And thus, I fulfill my many promises. I'm thinking of writing a series of oneshots with Irken!Dib. What do you think? Also, hooray for actually finding a use for brush-stroking! Humanities class, people.**_

_**SKARRCH OUT! *educated BOOM***_


	12. Chapter 12:On The Anatomy Of Irken

**EXILE DIB:CHAPTER 12:_ON THE ANATOMY OF IRKEN_**

/

_**BBBOOONNNUUUSSS CHAPTAH! That's right, I'm using your lack of interest as an opportunity to delay the story for another day. FEEL THE BURN! Also I have no ideas for the next chapter D: .**_

/

**SECTION 1: INTRODUCTION**

The Irken, as a race, are simultaneously one of the most humanlike and alien of species. On the surface, they are very humanoid looking, but inside their bodies their biochemistry is completely opposite that of a human. This Ruby Industries Informative Pamphlet™ will tell you all you need to know.

**SECTION 2: SURFACE FEATURES**

It has long been debated wether Irken posses skin, scales, or chitin (but feathers are generally left out). The labs at Ruby Xenobiology have conducted several Irken dissections, and the conclusion is that the Irken posses an internal exoskeleton, made of chitin, and an external integumentary system, made of skin and fat.

SUBSECTION 1: EXOSKELETON

The internal exoskeleton of an Irken is very different from that of an Earth arthropod. The skeleton itself is composed of a hard, but living, chitinous material. The Irken never molt, but their skeletons do soften during growth spurts. Structurally, the skeleton is full of holes to allow blood flow and nerve connections. In the limbs, the skeleton is jointed similarly to a human skeleton, with the two hollow tubes of chitin connected by tabs around the outside. The teeth are long ridges of chitin, with zipperlike tabs for chewing.

SUBSECTION 2: SKIN

The skin of an Irken is quite dissimilar to any other race, at least that Ruby has dissected. The skin is merely a thin, paperlike membrane over a layer of nerves, muscle, and fat. It is composed of substance similar to cellulose, but with a additional network of hydrogen bonds that makes it capable of resisting forces upwards of 50 mPa. However, these bonds are easily disrupted by water and other polar solvents, causing skin delamination, extreme pain, and in most cases, ignition of the cellulose network.

**SECTION 3: INTERNAL ORGANS**

The Irken race has genetically enhanced itself, and only possesses 4 organs: the heart, the lungs, the brain, and the squeedily-spooch, commonly called the spooch.

SUBSECTION 1: THE HEART & BLOOD

Irken hearts are very similar to human hearts, having a 4-chamber structure. The muscles are much less powerful than a human heart, and Irken usually cannot exert much, or deoxygenation will set in. The blood is a dark green, not due to chloroplasts, as is commonly believed, butdue to the interplay between the copper oxygen-carrier, and the mixture of long-chain hydrocarbons that makes up their blood.

SUBSECTION 2: THE SPOOCH

The squeedily-spooch is the most complex organ yet observed in an organism, extraterrestrial or not. It is composed of a network of tubes, sacks, filters, and membranes that is unique to each individual, making transplants impossible. The spooch fills the roles of the excretory, hepatic, lymphatic, endocrine, digestive, and immune systems. The Irken body can survive without a brain, heart, and lungs, but not without a spooch.

SUBSECTION 3: THE BRAIN

The Irken brain is the most similar of their organs to a human, and is folded almost identically. It is mostly unused, as artificial processors have taken over it's function.

**SECTION 4: THE PAK**

An Irken PAK is one of the most advanced pieces of technology ever made. Not only does it store an Irken's personality, it also provides for the respiratory and circulatory systems. The PAK also has a built in wrist screen, used to enable a self-destruct and for the life clock, which tells an Irken with no PAK how long they have to live. Not to mention the bevy of tools and attachments stored in the PAK, ranging from extra legs to plasma cannons to spacesuits. All these tools are stored in a hyperspace vortex, commonly called Hammer-space.

/

_**Yup, that was cool. Also, all credit for internal exoskeletons goes to ckret.**_

_**SKARRCH OUT! *Ruby Industries Trademarked BOOM***_


	13. Chapter 13:Springing Chickens

**EXILE DIB:CHAPTER 13:SPRINGING CHICKENS**

/

Zim sat, bored out of his mind. He'd been in this cell for only a few micro-cycles, but he was feeling the loneliness keenly. Irken were a hive species, and even Invaders had to have some contact with another intelligent being, or insanity was inevitable. This was the most effective torture any Irken could devise, and even Zim's mighty brain-meats were weakening.

The cell itself was a uniform white, and the room was cylindrical, so it looked as if it went on forever. It didn't help that there were no shadows, since the walls glowed. The door was invisible, seamlessly set into the wall.

Suddenly, Zim had an idea. He pulled a few tools from his PAK. The guards hadn't confiscated anything, since the cell was seamless. Still, a few had escaped. He applied a thick grey paste, with wires haphazardly sticking out, to the floor panel. The paste whirred, sparked, and a previously unseen panel in the floor opened. "EXCELLENT!" yelled Zim at no one in particular, and he set to work.

/

_**Outside the brig...**_

/

Dib was moping. The snacks had been distributed, he'd turned down an offer to 'room' from someone named Varck, and now he missed Zim. His maniacal rants, his repeated accusations, and most of all, his cute little green- _NO! You are going to forget what you just thought, and I'm getting some brain bleach._ AVATAR's voice moved away, muttering about '_ZADR_'. Dib thought he'd never get any adventure, and he began trudging towards the elevator. Maybe he could put on a puppet show for Purple.

The elevator clanked as the doors opened. Dib remembered all he'd seen on this ship as he walked towards it. For one thing, there was that tech, Varck, and his friends. They taxed him to no end, but at least Varck had some brains in his shell, unlike Zim. Then, there were the table-headed-service-drones. He considered himself lucky he had grown a few inches since his departure, or he'd have been fetching drinks for the Tallest.

Suddenly, he heard a small whine, a **KSSHHH-CLANK**, and then the Enforcer's metal boot heels clanking and shouts of "Get him!" and "Stand down!". A green blur darted past and grabbed his arm, tugging him along.

In hushed tones, Zim whispered. "_Come on, Dib-taller, we need to get to the ship!_" While Dib wondered about Zim's honorific, Zim dragged him along. They leaped, landing in the elevator while only sustaining mild bruises.

"Why'd you call me that?" asked Dib.

"Because, you are my taller, and politeness is important. I meant nothing by it." answered Zim. Dib still wondered if Zim felt anything for him. A vision of an Irken smashing his head into a computer console repeatedly danced before his eyes.

_No, no he didn't. I'm off to the store to buy more brain bleach, and maybe some of those frosted sugar cookies. I don't know. _Dib promptly stopped thinking of such things. "Hey, Zim? Where are we going?" he asked, rather nervously.

"To get off this ship, Dib-taller. We have to go." said Zim simply.

"Wait, why 'we'? We're mortal enemies!" exclaimed Dib in surprise. Before Zim could answer, the elevator doors opened with a clank.

Before them gaped the massive hangar bay. Each ship was teleported out of storage on Blorrch, locked to a magnetic rail, and catapulted into space. The process took less than twenty seconds, minus the time to board. Zim hurried over on PAK-legs to an empty rail, and placed a clawed palm on a scanner. In an instant, the Voot Cruiser was teleported into the claws of a waiting robot arm, and roughly jammed onto the rail. "Come on, Dib, we need to go!" yelled Zim. Dib was running as fast as he could, but he couldn't control his PAK, and AVATAR was strangely absent.

_Huh, what'd I miss? Oh, you've gotten yourself into a whole mess of trouble, haven't you?_ Two of Dib's PAK-legs extended, and he began to run bipedally towards the Voot. The Enforcers stared, jaws dropping, as the blue-eyed Irken ran to the ship. "_Yep, I'm amazing, I know._" boasted AVATAR. Dib stumbled and fell into the ship, whose windscreen closed behind him.

Zim was wide-eyed in amazement. "I've never seen anything like that before." he said. The cockpit of the Voot was adorned with buttons and lights. The main seat curved along a cockpit support, and was fitted for Zim's form. The alternate seat was situated behind the main spar, in the storage bay. Dib was quite uncomfortable back there. The ship was very quiet, however, without a certain annoying robot.

"Um, Zim? Where's GIR?" asked Dib.

"OH NO! GIR!" Zim was distraught about losing his faithful minion. He may have been a constant annoyance, but they were close friends. He began sobbing, although his eyes were dry.

/

_**Meanwhile...**_

/

"Hey, whatever happened to that little robot?" asked the first engineer.

"Oh, we deactivated him after the first few casualties." said the second.

/

_**Back in reality...**_

/

The ship touched down with a puff of dust. Zim leapt out, leaving Dib in the pod, alone. _Hey, I've got an idea! Let's take his ship and go back to the Massive. _"We can't abandon my home!" _Well, fine. Hey, go over to the back, I've got a better idea._ Dib crept out of the hatch, and walked around to the back of the Voot. Two of the ship's pods extended and AVATAR extended a tentacle into a nearby port. The port sparked, and Dib's vision flickered. Then, a mirror extended, and Dib saw his human face in it's shining surface. The apparition flickered, and he went back to being Irken.

_I love holograms. _And then Dib began the long trek home.

/

_**Didja like it? HUH! Yes, yes you did. Coming up next chapter:**_

_**Nachos**_

_**A new character**_

_**AND...**_

_**A special guest!**_

_**SKARRCH OUT *BOOM***_


	14. Chapter 14:The Nacho Incident

**EXILE DIB CHAPTER 14:THE NACHO INCIDENT**

/

_And thus, he began the long trek home._

The image on the screen fade to black. A smattering of applause went up. A short Irken with long, thin antennae walked out onstage. He wore a simple tuxedo with an orange tulip in the lapel. A long, thin scar ran over one of his yellow eyes, and a small circle of lens could be seen through the thick mat of scarring. "Well, that's a wrap. Show's over, folks." said Invader Skarrch.

The audience slowly began to file out of the chamber. Suddenly, a shrill voice was heard from outside: "Is this Studio 12? What? Oh, okay." The main doors opened to reveal the unmistakeable figure of Tallest Purple. He glided in, through the crowd, and hovered over to Skarrch. He carefully removed his stage fedora, and popped it in his PAK. "Well, someone dressed for the occasion."

"I see." said Skarrch sarcastically. Purple was wearing a lavender bow-tie over his uniform. "What is it?" Purple handed Skarrch a data-pad. His one good eye widened as he read the message. "It appears there's been a change of plans. We're going to take a short intermission while we sort this out. And by 'we' I mean the producer and I. Help yourselves to the snacks in the auditorium while you wait."

/

_**One intermission later...**_

/

Skarrch walked in, muttering to a darkly clad figure. The figure nodded, and evaporated into fog. "Okay, apparently the show's not over yet. We're going to- Hey, what's that on your face, Purple?"

Purple's face was smeared with a yellow-orange goo. "Nothing." evaded Purple.

"That's nacho cheese, isn't it! You were eating MY NACHOS!" yelled Skarrch. His love of explosives was only topped by his greed for nachos. "I spent 300 monies on that pot!"

"They helped!" Indeed, several members of the audience had cheese on their faces too.

Skarrch growled "We'll talk about this later. Anyway, as I was saying, the producer has decide to make a series out of Exile Dib. And I'll be hosting, along with other minor characters like Purple here."

"HEY!"

"Roll credits."

/

**Credits**

Producer-Daniel Smithers

Director-Invader Skarrch

Host-Invader Skarrch

Human Dib, Invader Skoodge- Invader Larb

Zim- As Himself

Gaz, Professor Membrane, Computer-Matthew Dwicky

AVATAR, Irken Dib- Server Gashloog

Almighty Tallest- Tallest Purple

Varck, Bonn, and Blarr- As Themselves

Tak- As Herself

Catering- Nacho Warehouse

/

_**R&R, as usual. Yes, Skarrch speaks the truth.**_


	15. To Clarify

**To Clarify:**

All new chapters will be posted in Exile Dib-The Series. Check that out! After all, Skarrch is in every episode!

~The Producer **_ ɼɻɰɵɷɓ_**


End file.
